There is Help

Have you or a loved one embarked on a futile bid for the Presidency? Has your campaign begun to attract the scorn of family, friends, pundits,and public alike?

When you’re ready to reach out for help, we invite you to contact the trained professionals at Timber Hollow. We understand the hopelessness, the shame, the self-loathing, and the miscellaneous lesser feelings that have swept you into the ranks of brazenly unqualified and woefully uninspiring contenders for the highest office in the land.

Call 1-800-DONTRUN for a free telephone assessment!

Selecting a treatment facility is never a decision to be made lightly. At Timber Hollow, you will be entrusting your care to our world-renowned faculty of psychiatrists, social workers, nurse-plumbers, asbestos removers, chemical weapons specialists, and lepidopterists. We will partner with you to develop a customized recovery plan that, depending on your medical history and presenting symptoms as well as who happens to be working the front desk at the time of your arrival, can include group and individual counseling, bovine therapy, high-voltage acupuncture, and filtered waterboarding. The Timber Hollow team will be with you every step of the way, united in our dedication to the task of puncturing your delusions and helping you set a new life course.

We are the oldest and most heavily fortified candidacy recovery center east of the Potomac. Our multimodal approach boasts an industry-leading success rate of up to 80 percent, if you count the patients living in medicated stability at our flagship long-term residential facility, Hubris House, along with those eventually deemed fit for re-release into the wild.

Here’s what current and former clients are saying:

Amid cutting-edge style and contemporary comfort, the board-certified professionals at Timber Hollow awakened me to the fact that my weak grasp of the issues and deficient understanding of the public interest was compounded by a total lack of voter appeal.”

I have been clean and candidacy-free for over 30 days.”

Their lifetime guarantee gives me the comfort of knowing I can return as needed in 2024, 2036, 2048, and beyond.”

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. How can I tell the difference between a credible campaign and Borderline Presidential Candidacy Disorder (BPCD)?

A. The diagnostic process, as we go about it at Timber Hollow, is complex, lengthy, nuanced, and idiotically expensive. That said, this simple self-test will help you assess your level of risk:

·      Have phone calls to your campaign manager been going unanswered?

·      Do infants recoil at the prospect of being photographed with you? 

·      Are you the mayor of New York City?

Q. I am inquiring for a friend who suffers from a multitude of complicating ailments. Would you be equipped to handle such a case?

A. It is not uncommon for us to field calls from individuals concerned about someone other than themselves. While it would be unethical for us to express firm conclusions without an on-site evaluation, we would be glad to advise you on techniques that have proven effective in convincing unwilling subjects to seek help—shrink-wrapping, for example. As to your other question, no worries: Dual diagnosis is our middle name. In addition to our unrivaled experience with Borderline Presidential Candidacy Disorder (BPCD), we know our way around such common co-occurring conditions as stench mouth and basal cell megalomania.

Q. Can I use leftover campaign contributions for my treatment?

A. We will work with your lawyer and accountant to come up with a payment plan.

Q. What has science concluded about the underlying causes of this insidious condition?

A. A range of influences may be involved (Pumpernickel, Weissmuller, Layabout, 2006). Childhood trauma can play a part (Wolfbein, Shakeshack, Von Dragonspiel, 2011). Life stressors sometimes enter the picture (Johnson, Johnson & Johnson, 2002). Biological factors may be implicated (Euripides, Eumenides et al., 434 B.C.).

Q. Can we hold out any hope for a cure?

A. Deep in the laboratories of the Timber Hollow Institute, our researchers are developing a vaccine that should be ready for testing by the end of the century.

Originally published in The American Prospect.


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